Economy in Splits

Economy in Splits  
1. The US has made a new weapon that destroys people but keeps the
building standing. Its called the stock market - Jay Leno

2. Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are ?? Wall Street is now being called
Wal Mart Street- Jay Leno

3. The difference between a pigeon and a London investment banker . The
pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW

4. What's the difference between a guy who lost everything in Las Vegas and an
investment banker ? A tie

5. The problem with investment bank balance sheet is that on the left side
nothing's right and on the right side nothing's left.

6. I want to warn people from Nigeria who might be watching our show, if
you get any e mails from Washington asking for money, it's a scam. Don't fall
for it - Jay Leno

7. Bush was asked about the credit crunch. He said it was his favourite candy
bar -Jay Leno

8. The rescue bill was about 450 pages. President Obama's copy is even thicker.
They had to include pictures. Jay Leno

9. President Obama's response was to support some small business owners in
America. The small business owners are General Motors, General Electric and
Century 21. - Jay Leno

10. What worries me most about the credit crunch, is that if one of my cheques
is returned stamped 'insufficient funds'. I won't know whether that refers
to mine or the bank's.

NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS

CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO--
Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL
MARKET-- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake
himself for a financial genius.

BEAR
MARKET-- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the
wife gets no jewelry.

VALUE
INVESTING-- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E
RATIO-- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market
keeps crashing.

BROKER-- What
my broker has made me.

STANDARD
& POOR-- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK
ANALYST-- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK
SPLIT-- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally
between themselves.

FINANCIAL
PLANNER-- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET
CORRECTION-- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH
FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO-- What
you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS-- What
you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL
INVESTOR-- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT-- An
archaic word no longer in use.